Want to suffer incredibly long and annoying shipping times? Buy online from Kohls

No more shrieking! Deaf people need alarm clocks too don't they? I want whatever they're using.

When lobsters cost $4.99 a pound (less than the price for American cheese) you buy lobsters for dinner

Got off the train at the wrong stop... arrived at the ghetto, witnessed a domestic assault

Ran into some trouble trying to buy myself a hamster

How do you say Happy Father's Day to the greatest Dad I know?

Do I send out invitations or just make a Facebook event?

FYI: The McDonald's at Walmart is not a BYOB

I accidentally swallowed an apricot pit

My new pet... spider

Road ragin' on Interstate 95

What's the matter Shazam? You're not cultured enough to recognize classical music?