No more shrieking! Deaf people need alarm clocks too don't they? I want whatever they're using.

When lobsters cost $4.99 a pound (less than the price for American cheese) you buy lobsters for dinner

Got off the train at the wrong stop... arrived at the ghetto, witnessed a domestic assault

Ran into some trouble trying to buy myself a hamster

How do you say Happy Father's Day to the greatest Dad I know?

Do I send out invitations or just make a Facebook event?

FYI: The McDonald's at Walmart is not a BYOB

I accidentally swallowed an apricot pit

My new pet... spider

Road ragin' on Interstate 95

What's the matter Shazam? You're not cultured enough to recognize classical music?

Misplaced confidence in the kitchen

Killer Troll dolls and stuffed animal protectors...