I don't know why I never thought of this before.... |
I congratulate myself for my brilliance because now I can take the disguised beer with me when we go bike riding to the boardwalk bars.
Some friends and I are watching the Seaside Heights St. Patrick's Day Parade from the sunny corner of a lawn where we have a full view of the floats, pipe bands and marchers as they make their way down the Boulevard.
We drank beers and I licked my cherry Ring Pop until it was a nub and all the sudden it was 2 p.m. and I was feeling anxious to get to the boardwalk. Some of our favorite bands were scheduled to play at Aztec and we wanted to be there to jump around and dance.
We didn't have enough bikes for all of us and so a cute boy from our group volunteered to take JP on his handlebars. He's giving her a quick handlebar-riding instruction lesson and I'm really nervous about it because if he drops her, we're going to have a problem.
At this point, my friend Red casually mentions to JP that her uncle is a dentist. "So if anything happens and you need cosmetic dentistry, he can totally hook you up," she tells her.
It's March and so I'm wearing my green wig. There are so many parades at the Shore during March that I need to disguise myself so that nobody will tag me in Facebook pics. However, I'm having trouble keeping my wig on tight enough to survive a bike ride.
Anyway, I stuffed my hair under the wig and used a rubber band to secure it. Then I refilled my coffee-beer cup and we all hopped on our bikes and started peddling toward the boardwalk.
I was closer to the back of the pack because I was steering with one hand and sipping from my beer coffee cup with the other as we cruised. Red was near the front leading and JP and the cute boy were lagging behind in last place.
Anyway, I stuffed my hair under the wig and used a rubber band to secure it. Then I refilled my coffee-beer cup and we all hopped on our bikes and started peddling toward the boardwalk.
I was closer to the back of the pack because I was steering with one hand and sipping from my beer coffee cup with the other as we cruised. Red was near the front leading and JP and the cute boy were lagging behind in last place.
We ride from Seaside Park(ish) to Seaside Heights with no problems and then we get to the roadway near the Sawmill...
I notice a curb coming up on a skinny piece of pavement near the boardwalk ramp that angles downward into the street.
It looks like it's going to be difficult to get over that curb on the bike so I slow down preparing to stop and here's what I see happening in front of me:
Red speeds up to gain enough momentum to make it over the bump when her tire climbs over the curb recklessly and then the unwieldy bike careens down the ramp and straight toward the road ...
Where a cop car is parked.
She tries to use the breaks at first but she's going too fast and I guess she panicked.
Then her legs quick jump off the pedals and she screams and wrestles with the handlebars as her bike BOOM! smacks into the rear side panel of the cop car and she goes down.
Then her legs quick jump off the pedals and she screams and wrestles with the handlebars as her bike BOOM! smacks into the rear side panel of the cop car and she goes down.
Everyone stops riding their bikes.
She's on the ground with the bike tire planted firmly into the cop car's side.
We see two officers come over.
Onlookers from the crowded boardwalk bar are gawking.
She's on the ground with the bike tire planted firmly into the cop car's side.
We see two officers come over.
Onlookers from the crowded boardwalk bar are gawking.
Meanwhile Red starts picking up the bike and moving it away and slowly recovering from the fall.
Then everyone begins chattering at once and I can only pick out pieces of what's being said.
Then everyone begins chattering at once and I can only pick out pieces of what's being said.
Most noticeable however is Red's loud, belligerent responses to the officers' questions.
It starts with some oh-my-goshes and what's-happenings and are-you-oks sprinkled with some giggling.
At this point, I chug the beer that's hiding in my coffee cup to dispose of the evidence because I do NOT want any kind of cop rubbish about me drinking and bike riding.
Then here's some of what I caught:
"What happened?"
"What are you drunk?" the approaching officer asks. "Where were you coming from?"
The other one asks, "Have you guys been drinking?" as he moves over to the cop car.
"What are you drunk?" the approaching officer asks. "Where were you coming from?"
The other one asks, "Have you guys been drinking?" as he moves over to the cop car.
"No we're not drunk it was an accident," Red starts saying.
They move close to inspect the damage, "You didn't see it or something?" one officer asks aggressively.
They move close to inspect the damage, "You didn't see it or something?" one officer asks aggressively.
Red answers, "It's not like I meant to hit it, I wasn't trying to hit it. I didn't say, 'Hey there's a cop car, let's hit it'."
From the sidelines, I hear whispering and now we're all nervous and scrutinizing the officers' reactions.
"Of course I saw it. I just couldn't stop, I panicked and whatever, there's not even any damage or anything," she says hotly.
I'm thinking: Are they going to arrest her?
Can they?
Will they give her a breathalyser?
Would she pass it if they did?
Can they?
Will they give her a breathalyser?
Would she pass it if they did?
"I had one beer, I'm not drunk," she's yelling. "There's not even any damage, look."
"Were you riding the bikes on the boardwalk?" a cop asks.
"No we were not riding the bikes on the boardwalk, We're not idiots we know we're not allowed to do that," she answers.
"Do you know how to ride a bike?" one officer asks. He's obviously trying not to laugh when the other one says, "Do we need to get you some training wheels or something?"
At this point we start to feel like it's safe to leave, because they're kind of being funny and it's obvious that there's no damage.
We all slowly start moving forward and pedaling off but she's still fuming and grumbling about how she didn't mean to hit it.
As soon as we're out of the officers' earshot we all start gabbing about it.
We made it to the bar uneventfully and then told everyone that Red drove her bike into the cop car.
And now it's on my blog.
I'm sorry girl, you can tell funny stories about me too.
Love you!