Oh that?! It's just a symptom of my A.D.D.


I have this really bad habit of blaming all of my bad habits on my Attention Deficit Disorder.

Most of my bad habits have roots in ADD which I found out as my former therapist went down the list confirming my symptoms as I nodded my head in agreement to each and every one thinking "NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE!"

But instead of working to fix myself, I feel like I've just completely surrendered to my bad habits and accepted them as part of my personality.

I'm not so happy about that. Because unchecked, these bad habits have completely taken over and left me with this unorganized, spontaneous life where I avoid planning and can't pay bills on time.

I caught myself frustrating my boyfriend the other day with my ADD as we were trying to have an argument via cellphone. I kept saying "I don't understand what I did wrong," and he continually responded by explaining it slowly to me... but every time he did it, I couldn't pay attention long enough to get the point because I kept getting distracted by all the brightly colored objects in my room. I think he eventually got too frustrated to continue the cyclical conversation, but I can't even remember how it ended because my mind just kept wandering off.

It must be a nightmare to date someone like me and I thoroughly sympathize with anyone who does so.

Every experience, song lyric, image, color that I encounter daily sparks up an assortment of related memories that flood my brain and distract me.

If anyone ever jumped inside my head and hung out there, they'd be mentally exhausted and super confused after 15 seconds.


Well it just feels like there's this swirling television in my head with 500 channels that are playing at full volume all the time.

If I try really hard to pay attention, I get so distracted trying to force myself to focus that before I even realize what's happening I'm zoned out with my eyes glazed over and my brain is revisiting the Willow Tree in Rupert's secret play spot in Blacksburg Va.

It's mentally draining to be in my own head most times.

Crowds have always been problematic for me because there are so many sights, sounds, smells that my brain gets overloaded with stimuli that I'm sent into a full-fledged panic attack complete with dizziness, a racing heart, the inability to breathe properly and sweatiness.

My mind is running so fast all the time that my mouth can't even keep up and so then I talk faster and before I know it I'm talking gibberish and the people struggling to listen to me wind up befuddled.

At any given moment I have 200 unfinished projects lined up behind me awaiting completion and I frequently cycle through ambitions that include going to law school, entering politics, training puppies, opening a restaurant, making clay pots, writing books, or teaching people how to skydive. I have never been skydiving. And I always keep 2 jobs because if I'm sitting around not doing anything I get all irritable and anxious. I always have to be doing something.

I'm always craving mental stimulation because I get bored so easily, and if I'm on the computer, then there are 20 tabs open and I'm flicking among them rapidly. My iPhone was the best thing to ever happen to me.


I forget things everywhere and I'd totally love to cure that bad habit because I leave a trail of car keys, earrings, wallets and misc. colorful items behind me everywhere I go.

I wish I could listen to a full and complete song, radio station, or TV channel. Road trips drive me crazy because I get insanely possessive of radio slash iPod control because I neeeeed to change the song every 25 seconds. If I'm not able to do this I get a full dose of nervous anxiety that turns me into a chatty, fidgety ball of annoying-ness.

My chronic lateness is a frequent topic of conversation... I don't think I've ever been on time for anything in my life ever.

I absolutely can't commit to planning things. I just hate it. I get all anxious and trapped feeling when I have a commitment and a deadline with a time requirement because I know that I"m probably going to forget about it and double-book myself with a dinner date and a haircut appointment (which is why my hair is so long.)

Despite the fact that there are a lot of bad things associated with my ADD, I was reminded of the positives...

Nobody can say I'm not creative. Normal mundane boring things spark inspiration in me that leads to paintings, drawings, scribblings, rantings, writings and some of them have a dose of merit.

Despite the fact that a hallmark of ADD is the inability to pay attention, I sometimes am overcome with this ability to super focus in upon things. When it happens, it's like everything slows down and my brain is able to classify and catalog every single smell, sound, thought, feeling and visual impulse that's entering my consciousness and I can remember every detail years later. This weird symptom has benefited me as a writer because I'm able to pull up these descriptive, vivid recollections of events.

I can be charming, because I love meeting people and asking questions and telling stories. I talk a lot and I guess I dominate conversations sometimes without realizing it by interrupting or finishing sentences but I try super hard not to do that.

I'm spontaneous and I give license to whatever capricious desire takes a hold of me which means I've had a ton of adventures. I've climbed water towers, mountains and snuck into all sorts of cool places and I have all kinds of interesting hobbies because I'm constantly seeking stimulating activities.

Another plus is that I don't have the dedicated attention span necessary to retain enough anger to fuel a good fashioned long-term grudge. Ask my father why he hates Comcast and why we didn't have cable for 10 years and he'll detail to you the terms of his lifelong boycott. I, however, can't even remember the reasons for my lifelong boycotts against Work Out World, Leggets, Kmart, Papa Johns, and the PNC Bank Arts Center... (Although, right now I'm committed to boycotting and hating Mitsubishi forever.)

So I can't figure out if the ADD is a bad thing or a good thing. It's made me an interesting person, but also an unorganized and irresponsible one.

I dated this engineer once, smart guy with a really linear and straight-forward way of thinking. He used to always criticize me for lateness, my inability to follow directions and my scatterbrained way of thinking. "You're just all over the place," he used to say, "You can try to be more organized and responsible, you just don't want to." And that would always make me upset. Because the thing is that I have trouble controlling it. I just feel like this is who I am and this is how I'll always be.