My friend texts me in the a.m. "Let's go pet puppies today!"
"Yes! We can invite one of our sad friends!" I text back, because petting puppies makes people happy, I think.
We grab Jess and head to the puppy store.
LH immediately falls in love with a sweet Lady and the Tramp cocker spaniel with doey eyes.
I fall head over heels for a soup-can-sized Chihuahua who would scratch the glass like a maniac when I pressed my face against the glass. I named him Peanut and repeatedly told him that we were soul mates.
I love him.
Him and Rupert could be buddies, and his poop would be the size of tic tacs so potty training wouldn't be so bad.
Jessica has parked herself in front of the big puppy section and is staring at a lazy black ball of fur. I go over to her, "Let's play with him, I love him," she says. I read the crinkly paper on the back of his cage.
"He's a rottwieler," I say.
"I know! I love big dogs!" she says.
I poke the glass and puppy stares me down.
"I want to play with Peanut," I tell her.
"Leanne, Chihuahuas are stupid."
"I love him."
"I want to play with my puppy, ohmigosh look at how cute she is!" LH says pointing at Lady.
But Jess is bossy, and she got to the puppy store worker first and told her that we wanted to play with Butch.
"He's a big mush!" the worker says.
We get a separate room to wait for the dog.
The worker carries him over, puts his paws on the ground and he barrels toward us, running full speed into sister, and peeing all over her.
"Ah!"
I grab some paper towels and frantically try to throw them on the ground, but the puppy is still running around the room, he has sister's sleeve in his lock-jaw and is just pulling-- hard.
LH is cracking up and pushing toys at him to get him to drop the sleeve.
"He's a monster!"
"He won't let my sleeve go!"
Jessica prys open his rottweiler jaw lock and he zeroes in on LHs pant leg.
"No!" she says, scurrying up into a chair and picking up her legs. "I'm scared of him."
"Look at my hand, he bit me!" sister says.
There are long red scrapes where his puppy teeth punctured skin.
"I hate this puppy," I tell them.
Every time we try to pet him, he tries to bite our hands.
I reach down to offer him a rawhide and he grabs my hand with his teeth.
Jess rescues me, then scoops him up and he's writhing back recklessly with his mouth open like a lunatic trying to bite her arms.
"He's fine if you pick him up," she tells us, struggling to hold him.
"Peanut wouldn't have been such an a-hole," I tell her.
"My puppy would have been better," LH says.
Jess puts him down again and he grabs another sleeve and won't let go.
"I want to hold him," LH says.
"Be careful!"
She grabs him and he wriggles furiously, tipping down her sunglasses that are perched on her head, he grabs a hold of her sweater--
"He's going to bite you!"
She uses one arm to grab her sunglasses, and puppy is doing hula-hoop wriggles to keep a bite on her sweater and she drops him.
Kuh-thump goes Butch's head on the ground, Jess runs over to him, LH has her hands across her mouth.
"Oh my gosh is he ok?"
"I don't know, do you think anyone else saw?"
"Well they definitely heard that thump!"
"Did he hit his head?"
We all stare at him.
He gets up, looks disoriented and wobbles underneath the chair, staring at us for a second suspiciously.
"We should give him back," Jess whispers.
LH is mobile uploading a new status to FB, it says: Went to pet puppies and dropped one.. On his little head! I feel awful!!
Jess hoists up the puppy and brings it to the worker.
"He was bad," she tells her.
"Did he bite?" the worker asks.
"Yes, look!" she pulls up her sleeve to show her battle wounds.
"They're just teething," the worker says. And now all of the sudden Butch wants to be an angel so he's sitting in her arms all calm.
"It's probably the concussion," Jess whispers.
"Oh I almost forgot," I say, running back to the room.
"Here's his pee," I tell her depositing the wet paper towels in her hand.