TITLE: Positive cocaine test prompts Red Bull ban in Germany
Immediately following a cocaine test, Red Bull Cola was ordered to be pulled off the shelves by German food regulators, according to numerous articles that hit the Web today.
After reading this, it was like everything in my life made perfect sense.
Now there are only three things I know about cocaine…
1.) That it’s addictive
2.) That it’s a stimulant
3.) That it’s expensive
After considering that, I had one bright second of clarity, and then the mystery of my Red Bull Cola addiction was solved. (Also solved was the mystery of where my disposable income disappears to… those Red Bulls aren’t cheap.)
There are also three things that I know about Red Bull Colas and the similarities are uncanny.
“I don’t know how you can drink that stuff,” my boyfriend told me once, eyeing up the growing pile of empty cans that are ever-present in the backseat of my car.
“Well, I have to wake up at six in the morning,” I explain. “And then I have to stay up late working at the bar. I neeeeed them.”
“Maybe you should just get some sleep,” he’d say. “That stuff makes you talk too much, and too fast, and then you dominate conversations…”
“And I’ll drink one before I go out so I won’t be a boring loser,” I said, interrupting him. “I also like it with vodka, and you use it in cherry bombs and those are my favorite shots.”
“I was saying,” he continued, “That you talk so much that people think I’m quiet because I think it’s rude to interrupt you, but impossible to get a word in edgewise.”
“Oops, I’m sorry I wasn’t paying attention,” I said.
Because, I was thinking, All this talk about how awesomely energized Red Bull Cola makes me feel is reaaaaally making me want one.
I stared at the can I had from this morning that was still sitting in the cup holder. I picked it up and shook it, there was like 25 percent left, and it was warm, so I definitely needed a new one, and like riiiight now.