I was on the phone with my father, one second away from launching the "Can I borrow forty dollars?" question, when he beat me to the question punch with, "Guess who got summoned for jury duty?"
I'm driving, on my cell phone, trying to light a cigarette...
"Again? Didn't you just get summoned for jury duty last wee--"
He cuts me off, "It wasn't meeeeee," he said, laughing.
"No!"
And that's how I found out that I was summoned for jury duty.
I got home, I ripped open the envelope and stared at it in horror, skipping down the form to the "exceptions" part where it details who can be exempt. Policemen, volunteer firemen, non-English reader, disabled...
I don't fit into any of those categories.
At the very top of the form is a blurb about how it's your civic duty to participate in the court system as a juror and blah blah blah...
I heard a rumor that they pay you like $12 dollars a day, and that's about what I spend per day on Red Bulls, and there isn't enough caffeine on the planet to make me sit still in one place for more than an hour and pay close attention to a court case.
Turning the form over, I see that there's a blank spot on the back of the form where you can plead your case and beg for an exemption.
Maybe I can use the A.D.D. excuse.
I pick up a pencil and wrote,
To whom it may concern:
I have Attention Deficit Disorder and participating in a trial as a juror would be difficult to me because of my disability, I wrote.
I wouldn't want to jeopardize somebody's whole future because of my inability to pay attention to court cases. Judge Judy is what I put on when I'm trying to fall asleep.
Maybe I should highlight the word disability and then circle it and draw a line connecting it to the "Disability" exemption, I thought. Is that too obvious?
"I need something stronger," I said, erasing the whole thing.
Can I make up a baby, I thought, or is that crossing the line?
No, what if they ask for proof... I can't come up with a kid on such short notice. At least not without help.
"Shit," I said. "I'm going to have to pretend to be racist."
Now how can I word that politely?
After a half hour of scribbling, erasing, then drawing a stick man with a stuck up middle finger, I gave up, slipped the form into the return envelope and stuck the damn thing in the mailbox.
I'll let you know what the trial was about when I've completed my civic duty and passed my damn judgment.
I'm driving, on my cell phone, trying to light a cigarette...
"Again? Didn't you just get summoned for jury duty last wee--"
He cuts me off, "It wasn't meeeeee," he said, laughing.
"No!"
And that's how I found out that I was summoned for jury duty.
I got home, I ripped open the envelope and stared at it in horror, skipping down the form to the "exceptions" part where it details who can be exempt. Policemen, volunteer firemen, non-English reader, disabled...
I don't fit into any of those categories.
At the very top of the form is a blurb about how it's your civic duty to participate in the court system as a juror and blah blah blah...
I heard a rumor that they pay you like $12 dollars a day, and that's about what I spend per day on Red Bulls, and there isn't enough caffeine on the planet to make me sit still in one place for more than an hour and pay close attention to a court case.
Turning the form over, I see that there's a blank spot on the back of the form where you can plead your case and beg for an exemption.
Maybe I can use the A.D.D. excuse.
I pick up a pencil and wrote,
To whom it may concern:
I have Attention Deficit Disorder and participating in a trial as a juror would be difficult to me because of my disability, I wrote.
I wouldn't want to jeopardize somebody's whole future because of my inability to pay attention to court cases. Judge Judy is what I put on when I'm trying to fall asleep.
Maybe I should highlight the word disability and then circle it and draw a line connecting it to the "Disability" exemption, I thought. Is that too obvious?
"I need something stronger," I said, erasing the whole thing.
Can I make up a baby, I thought, or is that crossing the line?
No, what if they ask for proof... I can't come up with a kid on such short notice. At least not without help.
"Shit," I said. "I'm going to have to pretend to be racist."
Now how can I word that politely?
After a half hour of scribbling, erasing, then drawing a stick man with a stuck up middle finger, I gave up, slipped the form into the return envelope and stuck the damn thing in the mailbox.
I'll let you know what the trial was about when I've completed my civic duty and passed my damn judgment.