I'm running for office!

Now that election season is over, and the slanderous mis-information fest is over, I have something to say.

I’m publicly announcing my intent to run for office.

That said, I’ve got some issues to tell you about and I’d like to outline my campaign, so that you the voters (or nonvoter’s rather, we’re in NJ who’re we kidding?) can make the right, informed decision (that one’s funny too).

How do I feel about property taxes? Gosh, hate ‘em. If elected, I promise to work hard to provide property tax relief. I don’t know how, and no, I don’t really have a plan, but I have an idea, instead of lowering taxes, I’ll raise them – then give the taxpayers a skimpy rebate check, using the money we took from you lucky homeowners (aren’t you glad you live here). Problem solved, let’s move on.

For one thing, I’m throwing ya’ll for a loop by shunning the comfort of party affiliations and I’m running as an independent. Yeah, I could take my chances and arbitrarily side with the more powerful party in my area, (like every other politician does,) but I’m different, and I’m going at it alone.

So you’ll actually have to listen to my viewpoints to know what I value, instead of lumping me into the Dem or GOP basket. It’s too easy to hate Republicans for their quid-pro-quo religious conservative lines and it’s too easy to blame the Democrats for their loose purse strings and flagrant program spawnings.

So I’m an independent, which really just means that I’m taking my chances, and now instead of having one party enemy, I have both against me. The campaign trail will be bloody, but that’s to be expected, in our honorable bi-partison political system.

I don’t have a chance you say? Well I’ll have you know that most NJ voters are registered as unaffiliated, 2.76 million, which means either they don’t understand the political system enough to side with Dems or GOPs, or that there is hope for me after all.

Moving on – Let’s talk issues. Universal health care? Oh, well if I am elected mayor, I’ll be receiving a salary (with cushy bonus bribes) and a full pension and benefits (all taxpayer funded) so I don’t really see a need to extend or reform the health care system. It’s fine just like it is, unless you're not me and if that's the case than who cares?

So you want to know what religion I am? Well, in order to retain the highest number of potential voters, I’m going to say I believe in God, because statistically, most people do, but I’m not going to commit to a particular religion, and risk losing those who are in differing camps. Instead, I plan on being just vague enough to make you think that I’m the same religion as you, to increase the likelihood that you’ll vote for me, but I’m going to drop the subject like it’s hot if someone has the bojangles to press me for solid answers. What’s that? Can’t hear you very well… ahem. Didn’t understand the question.

Ok fine, I actually haven’t been in a church in years, but now that I’m running for office, I plan on making church appearances frequently, to popular churches (synagogues, chapels, temples) in areas with target populations of voters, where I’ll shake hands with the father (or rabbi or pastor or satan — accordingly) and hug babies on my way out.

Moving on. Have I told you yet that I care about the environment? Oh because I do! The water quality is so bad, we’ve got cancer clusters all over the state, ever see that movie about Toms River? No? Hmm, me either, but I learned from somewhere that NJ has an abundance of Superfund sites (an uncontrolled or abandoned place where hazardous waste is located, possibly affecting local ecosystems or people) that most people know nothing about. In fact, Ocean County has more than 11 of these sites, all of which were found (and proven) to be seeping chemicals into the groundwater. The sites were all documented in the 80s, because obviously, companies don’t pollute anymore right? Yeah. But if elected, I’ll make sure that the EPA ( they deal with this kind of thing right?) takes care of it. They seem to have it under control, because according to their own documents, at the Brick township landfill site “3,000 people live within a

1-mile radius of the site. Residential areas are nearby, and new development has started. Groundwater is the source of public and private drinking supplies for the 58,000 people living within a 3-mile radius of the site, and sampling indicates no contamination of either private or municipal wells used as drinking water sources.”

But the EPA obviously doesn’t need a politician getting involved, let’s just leave that to the experts ok? We as residents, and myself, as a politician, have no business meddling in serious environmental affairs. Unless it’s to line the beaches with plastic trash cans, because that’s something I can do!

Let's talk about what kind of ordinances I would like to sponsor. Well, let's see, talking on your cellphone while driving is just so darn dangerous, let's make a law against that... but smoking, well that's fine, there's nothing distracting about driving while searching frantically under your seat for a lighter right? Pressing speed dial on your phone is much more dangerous, let's outlaw that. Yeah, that's a good law, no more cell phones while driving. So if a policeman catches you using your dangerous cellphone, he'll pick up his radio, call the station and tell the dispatcher he's coming after you. Then, while driving, he'll use his dashboard computer to type in your plate number as he tailgates your car's ass right before he puts those lights on (nope his computer's not an obstruction of view, he's an officer, it's different, duh, your little car air freshner dangling from your rearview mirror now THAT's an obstruction of view).

Let's see, what other kinds of ordinances would I like to pass? Oh how about one banning residents on the beaches at night, so cops can bother couples trying to be romantic (how dare they) or slimy haired teenagers trying to smoke pot (how dare they) or late night dog walkers ( how dare they) or any other such nonsense because that’s what really matters. Fuck the underground plume that’s contaminating groundwater supplies, I want to make a difference with my political power. BRING ON THE ORDINANCES!

(more issues, to be continued….right now I need some tequila)