A short history lesson (You can skip this part, I realize that history puts people to sleep)
Using the Parkway:
Unfortunately, everyone is allowed to use the Parkway. We'd love to put some age parameters on it, height requirements (you must be this tall... to ride on the Parkway) or things like that but NJ feels that everyone is entitled to use their road, even if you're from out of state.
However, if you're going to use it, you should read this manual so that you learn how to use it correctly. Not everyone is born knowing how to drive (see chapter about Virginia drivers) and it's necessary to learn the rules before you clog up our lanes going too slow (some of us have to be late to work).
THE SIGNS THAT (are supposed to) LEAD YOU TO THE PARKWAY:
They're all over New Jersey. Sometimes, they start fifteen miles back and twist around in a hopeless crooked loop right before they disappear alltogether. Just for fun once, I tried to follow the signs, and ended up en route to Philly. It's possible. So don't fret if you can't follow them, it might be easier to just ask for directions.
ENTERING THE PARKWAY:
Ok so you've somehow managed to follow those damn signs and now you're entering the parkway. People are driving really fast here, so don't enter the road doing 30 mphs, because that's how accidents happen.
If the entrance ramp is clogged with traffic, then you're screwed. Because it's too late to back up and Parkway traffic is sluggish enough to satisfy Comcast's Slowskies.
If you're already on the parkway, and you see people entering, cut them a break and move over if it's clear. Easy right? Ok now for some harder stuff.
DRIVING ON THE PARKWAY:
So you might have seen those signs that say, "Keep right, pass left." Here's what they really mean....
Keep right, and paaaaaaaaass on the left.
There are a few important reasons for this.
Reason number one: So that the flow of traffic is maintained. A slow car in the left lane, riding alongside a slow car in the right lane brings the flow of traffic to a screeching halt. It's maddening to be stuck behind such a roadblock when you're me and you're late to work.
Reason number two: Cops like to zap New Yorkers doing 90 in the left lane. Reason number three: The right lane is for exiting and entering, which is no place for those livin' life in the fast lane.
Reason number three: People who are exiting should be in the right lane. If you try to pass them on the right, and they decide to try and exit, we have an accident or at least some angry horn-blowing. This can be avoided by passing on the left only, this system works best if everyone keeps to the right except for passing. Of course, it doesn't work if you have a Virginia driver who's clogging up the left lane doing 60 mphs.
Reason number four: Cops use the left lane to fly up while pushing 100 mphs to catch the guy doing 80, you don't want to get run over by them. They have a ticket to dispense (by doing 100 mphs to catch the guy doing 80....duh, like going that fast is dangerous.)
THE SPEED LIMIT:
I have a theory that you can do up to 80 on the Parkway before getting a ticket. I've tested my theory. I've driven past cops doing 79 ish and not been pulled over, but anything over 8o is fair game.
Those state troopers aren't doing 65 down the Parkway... I'll tell you that much. (Our governor was caught speeding down the Parkway doing over 90 without a seatbelt on, so I figure that I have a fighting chance if I do about 79. Thanks Corzine!)
EXITING THE ROADWAY:
There are mile markers placed conveniently alongside the roadway, so there's no reason to cut across three lanes of traffic to make the exit that "snuck" up on you.
The markers go in ascending order (that means up) if you're going north, and then descending order (down) if you're going south.
You should try to make it over to the right lane if you plan on exiting, once you're about two miles away. That way, you don't have to cut someone off rudely at the last minute.
It's hard to pay attention (Parkway scenery is boring enough to put a meth addict to sleep) but it's important to stay aware and awake, especially when operating a high-speed Expedition (which is so unnecessary by the way) and especially when Virginia drivers are on the roadway.
TIRE BLOWOUTS:
They happen. If you have one, you'll know it you hear a flappy noise, experience car shaking and if you suddenly experience a loss of steering control. Just don't panic, try to wrench your car over to the right shoulder and pull your vehicle completely off the road. If you have AAA, then call them and wait patiently outside of your car and out of the road.
If you don't know how to change a tire, now's not the time to learn. Just call for a ride, and get someone who knows how to fix it to come back later.
We've all seen that guy, trying to fix his tire as the kids stand by on the road. This is dangerous, and it causes rubbernecking (because people are nosey by nature).
TRUCKS:
Truckers are on the road all day. They know the rules (excepting those Uhaulers or trailer-haulers that are generally morons) and they expect you to follow them. They're doing a job, and they don't need an ignorant driver clogging up the roadways. They stay right, pass left; they are courteous about moving over to let drivers enter; and they communicate with each other using lights or radios.
Trucks are hauling heavy loads all day long on their tires. Tire blowouts are expected, and you don't to be riding alongside a truck when it has one. Those tires are lined with steel, and when they blow off, it can whip over and crack a windshield, or cause damage to your vehicle. So just try to develop a habit of being aware of truck tires, if they start to wobble, or the truck is making a noise, then back off, the tire might be ready to blow. It happens often, and the evidence sits on display over to the roadsides, where you'll see big black chunks of shredded tires (alligators).
Trucks weigh a lot. So they are pulled back by gravity when going uphill (they go slower) and then are propelled faster forward when going downhill (go faster) so just be aware of that fact and try not to slam on your brakes at the bottom of a hill with a semi behind you, their brakes aren't always that good.
When passing a truck, they might flash their lights at you: This means that it's safe for your to get in front of them. Professional drivers usually respect the 'pass left and keep right' rule, and they communicate with you by flashing their lights. It's not a mean gesture, don't be scared, just maintain your speed (don't pass them to slow down) and you can acknowledge their thanks with a short flash of hazard lights.
Another thing that they'll appreciate is help when they're entering the roadway. Trucks can't accelerate so quickly, so they have to enter the roadway gradually. It's easier if you move over to the left lane for a moment to let them enter. At the very least, it's courteous driving, it makes the roadways safer (so that trucks don't have to dangerously cut off stubborn drivers) and they would do it for you.
One final thing about trucks: It's harder to stop a loaded semi than it is to pull your Honda to a stop. If you encounter something that is going to halt traffic, you can caution the drivers behind you by putting on your hazards to warn them of an impending need to stop suddenly.
LITTERING:
Here's a hypothetical. We're waiting in line at Six Flags. You're in front of me smoking a cigarette, and when you're finished, you fling it and it lands on me. I'm going to kick your ass. Obviously, most smokers wouldn't do that because it's rude and it will garner a hostile reaction. So why is it ok to do it when you're on the roadway? The only thing different is that there isn't a vehicle separating the two people.
I don't keep my car clean but I still get angry when the driver in front of me flings a cigarette out of the window and it hits my car. So, I keep a half-empty bottle of soda in my car at all times just for this reason. So if you fling a cigarette out at me, expect to have a nice juicy soda thrown out of my window and aimed at your vehicle. Now we're even ( I'm a Libra, sorry but justice is like our thing). There are others like me out there, so if you are a smoker, please dispose of your stinky butts in a reasonable fashion or you run the risk of encountering vengeful retaliation.
Also, littering is bad umkay? I realize that you don't want to use your ashtray to dispose of your cigarettes because they make your car smell bad, but instead of throwing them out of your window with abandon, why not consider quitting? Smoking is terrible for you. It will kill you, it makes you smell bad, it gives you yellow teeth, and cigarette butts are everywhere. It's terrible.
BACKING UP BECAUSE YOU MISSED AN EXIT:
Ok, if you miss your exit, do not, under any circumstances, bring your car to a stop, and attempt to back up. This is insane. Not only are you putting yourself in danger, but you're putting others at risk.
Because now, people who are trying to exit properly have to watch out for your reversing vehicle, and the people behind them, can't see you, so you're setting up the perfect accident scenario.
Not a good idea.
People are going super fast on the highway, and a stopped or backing up car is a hazard. Take the next exit (it's never more than a few minutes away) and backtrack. Being a little lost is a lot better than being an idiot, so don't embarrass yourself.
THOSE LITTLE AVENUES THAT CONNECT THE NORTHBOUND AND SOUTHBOUND LANES:
For some reason, only cops are supposed to use them, for the same reason that only cops are allowed to speed, run lights, run stop signs and tailgate. They're off limit's so don't use them to execute desperate U-turns or to just go exploring.
TRAFFIC:
Traffic sucks, especially on the Parkway. There are traffic patterns that emerge and they're so predictable and reliable that advertisers have begun to exploit this by commissioning banner-ad-planes to fly above the stopped traffic during the rush hours. They figure they'll give you something else to look at while you're stopped and bored scanning the skies for Christopher-Columbus-shaped clouds, UFO's or meteorites.
So from Monday through Friday (why do we capitalize the days of the week anyway?) you have commuter traffic, from 7-9 a.m. then at lunchtime and again from 4-6 p.m.
During the summer, from Memorial Day to Labor Day, the Bennies come down, clogging the parkway and heading down to the beach on Friday's after work, to leave and re-clog the roadways on Sunday when they go back home.
OUT OF STATE DRIVERS:
As previously mentioned, Virginia drivers are the worse, so refer to the section about them. Florida drivers have a tendency to leave blinkers blinking indefinitely and have a slower response time, however, they generally stay to the right, where they feel safer. Also, they do not perform well in bright sunlight, so be careful of glares or bright light which could severely impair their visual acuity.
New Yorkers are good to follow if you want to go fast, because they speed, weave in and out of traffic and cops favor them because they're out-of-staters. When following a New Yorker, just be careful of litter. They're notorious for throwing garbage out of their vehicle windows randomly because they are so used to living like slobs in their own city, that they forget that not all people are filthy litterers.
RUBBERNECKING:
Here's one that we've all seen before--allow me to set the scene... A red string of brake lights lines the roadway as the vehicles creep along at turtle speed. Silently, you curse the high-rising SUVs that block your vision, "What is the freeeeaking hold up?" you wonder.
Thirty agonizing minutes later, the traffic starts to loosen up. You catch a glimpse of flashing police lights. At this point, you're expecting blood, guts and gore--you waited thirty long minutes in line, there has to be some carnage if the traffic is this bad right? WRONG! It's a flat tire. The cop is there because he's nosey too.
You've just been victim of rubbernecking. Something has happened on the roadside that's attracting attention (attracting attention, like that?) All of the other drivers slow down because they want to see what's going on. There's no avoiding it, try to suppress the insatiable urge to gape shamelessly at the scene and stay safe by paying attention to the brake lights in front of you. Or else, you'll tap a bumper and before you know it, you'll be the object of fixation for all the rubberneckers.
ACCIDENTS:
Accidents happen. If you see an accident happen, and you saw how it happened and who's fault it was, then you're a witness and you pull over. Two reasons for this; to make sure everyone's OK and to offer your phone number in case the insurance companies want to ask you questions.
Insurance fraud is ripe in NJ (which is partially why we have the highest rates in the nation) and if you can help clear up the story then you should. The guilty party usually tries to lie and blame the other person for the accident, and your testimony could clarify who was at fault. Also, you might want to call 911 to report the accident in case both parties are too injured to do so.
If you're just stuck in accident traffic, it's brutal, mostly because of rubbernecking, so just go with the traffic flow, try not to tap the person in front of you when staring shamelessly at the wreck and get past it.
USING YOUR BRIGHT LIGHTS:
There are deer that hang out near the edges of the Parkway in certain areas. Using your bright lights enhances your range of visibility. However, if you are behind another car, using your brights, their visibility is severely impaired. That's because all that bright light, shines in the mirrors and in eyes and makes it difficult to see. So, just remember that you're sharing the road with others and try to be courteous. Use your brights only if there isn't anyone in front of you nearby and just be aware that while they enhance your vision, they hamper that of other drivers.
TOLL BOOTHS:
Toll booths are a terrible idea. Like, who's bright idea was it to put wacky lanes on a super speed highway that force drivers to come to a complete stop and then merge with five lanes again quickly after trying to roll the window back up. And they say driving with cell phones is dangerous. GOSH. Anyway, like it or not, there are tolls on the Parkway. They don't accept VISA (even though everyone else in America does) so bring cash, tokens (does anyone use these?) or buy an EZpass.
For those of you who have EZpass, you can do about 40 mphs through without stopping and it will still register. There is no need to full and complete stop to wait for the message that says EZpass paid. If there's an error, it's your boxes fault and you can appeal that shit!
If you don't have EZpass, then you'll get a ticket if you go through without that magic little box. And you can't dispute the ticket because they've got a picture of your license plate and car. Believe me, I've tried it. The ticket is for $35 plus the cost of the toll (ridiculous right? Like NJ residents don't pay enough in taxes already, we have to pay for access to the fast roads).
Now for those non-EZpass lanes. Here's a secret, you don't have to pay them!!
Tested, tried and true, if you're paying cash, you can just go flying through it the cash-only lane, (it's blue) do a lightening-fast-stuntman-style slam dunk and high tail it outta there. I'm just kidding (or am I?) I've never skipped a toll payment (or have I?) Well that's just ambiguous enough to cover my ass (legally).
If you're going to try skipping out on the toll, don't be afraid. Lots of people do it. Just look both ways before you do it to make sure there are no cops hanging around hunting for toll skirters (exciting right?).
Anyway, if hit and running isn't your style you can pay it if you want to. However, there's still no need to come to a full and complete stop to wait for the "toll paid" message, it's unnecessary. People drop coins all the time, and they can't really prove that you didn't pay (the cash only ones that is, EZpass lanes have cameras).
Horn honking to signal that you dropped coins is fairly standard, so feel free to honk with abandon after going through the lanes, and even if you didn't drop any coins, it's still fun.
THE PARKWAY DOES NOT GO BOTH WAYS:
Well it does but there is a northbound and a southbound side. Each is separated for safety's sake. The parkway is a one-way deal. So, don't enter and go southbound on the northbound side, that's just silly.
The NJ Turnpike Authority has conveniently placed up one-way signs in places thought to be confusing (to morons). So, um yeah. If you can't figure out which way to go while entering the roadway, just use the sun to get your bearings (rises in the east and sets in the west, so north is.. well you can figure it out).
What to do if you see:
A car with a Virginia license plate:
First and foremost, DON'T PANIC. The driver of the car is severely impaired (nobody knows why people from Virginia are the worst drivers in existence, it's believed that it may have something to do with their education system or consistent exposure to FOX news, either way, beware).
They will do five under the speed limit in the left lane next to another slow moving vehicle, which sufficiently blocks both lanes. Invariably, a line of angry drivers piles up behind them, which causes massive tailgating, road rage and desperate attempts from the stuck drivers behind them to swing around.
If you happen to be right behind them, try flashing your lights, sometimes, like deer, they'll freeze and then you can swoop around them on the right hand side. Do not resort to honking, it scares them, which causes swerving. Also, be careful about making eye contact, it takes their attention away from the road and can also cause swerving.
It's really hard not to tailgate when behind such a slow moving vehicle, but for some reason, Virginia drivers' vision can not process images that come from their side-view or rear-view mirrors. So your tailgating is invisible to them, and unsafe as they brake irradically and without notice (especially when low-flying planes appear overhead, they confuse them for UFO's and jam on their brakes to look).
Don't expect them to move over on their own, this will not happen-- you can only hope to pass them by distracting them with shiny objects or flashing lights.
A police car sitting sniper-style on the side of the road:
NEWSFLASH: Cops won't pull you over unless you're doing 80 or above on the parkway. So if you're doing 70, there's no need to slam on your breaks when you come upon a cop hiding in the bushes.
This knee-jerk reaction is dangerous, as all the drivers around you are forced to stamp on their brake pedal, and not everyone's always paying attention to react fast enough (see section about Virginia drivers).
While driving on the parkway, just expect that there are going to be cops hiding once in a while (this is NJ afterall, and our state budget relies upon traffic tickets for revenues) and maintain a comfortable speed-- That way, you don't have to play the screeching brake-game when you see a cop car.
A police officer with a victim pulled over:
Resist the urge to slow down and jam on your breaks, to be nosy. Nothing is that exciting about a routine traffic stop. Plus, the officer is busy! That means that you have at least another ten miles before you come across another cop, so bring it up to 80 and zing on by.
The naked guy that graces the shoulder of the road on the first day of spring:
Try not to veer into the lane next to you as you gape in disbelief. There's no need to call the police, a dozen other people have done it already by now, and the police have trouble finding him, because he's on the move, walking from exit to exit and switching between the northbound and southbound lanes.
He appears every year on the first day of spring. He's waving to you so wave back, enjoy the sight, be sure to tell your friends and say, "Happy spring!"
Using the Parkway:
Unfortunately, everyone is allowed to use the Parkway. We'd love to put some age parameters on it, height requirements (you must be this tall... to ride on the Parkway) or things like that but NJ feels that everyone is entitled to use their road, even if you're from out of state.
However, if you're going to use it, you should read this manual so that you learn how to use it correctly. Not everyone is born knowing how to drive (see chapter about Virginia drivers) and it's necessary to learn the rules before you clog up our lanes going too slow (some of us have to be late to work).
THE SIGNS THAT (are supposed to) LEAD YOU TO THE PARKWAY:
They're all over New Jersey. Sometimes, they start fifteen miles back and twist around in a hopeless crooked loop right before they disappear alltogether. Just for fun once, I tried to follow the signs, and ended up en route to Philly. It's possible. So don't fret if you can't follow them, it might be easier to just ask for directions.
ENTERING THE PARKWAY:
Ok so you've somehow managed to follow those damn signs and now you're entering the parkway. People are driving really fast here, so don't enter the road doing 30 mphs, because that's how accidents happen.
If the entrance ramp is clogged with traffic, then you're screwed. Because it's too late to back up and Parkway traffic is sluggish enough to satisfy Comcast's Slowskies.
If you're already on the parkway, and you see people entering, cut them a break and move over if it's clear. Easy right? Ok now for some harder stuff.
DRIVING ON THE PARKWAY:
So you might have seen those signs that say, "Keep right, pass left." Here's what they really mean....
Keep right, and paaaaaaaaass on the left.
There are a few important reasons for this.
Reason number one: So that the flow of traffic is maintained. A slow car in the left lane, riding alongside a slow car in the right lane brings the flow of traffic to a screeching halt. It's maddening to be stuck behind such a roadblock when you're me and you're late to work.
Reason number two: Cops like to zap New Yorkers doing 90 in the left lane. Reason number three: The right lane is for exiting and entering, which is no place for those livin' life in the fast lane.
Reason number three: People who are exiting should be in the right lane. If you try to pass them on the right, and they decide to try and exit, we have an accident or at least some angry horn-blowing. This can be avoided by passing on the left only, this system works best if everyone keeps to the right except for passing. Of course, it doesn't work if you have a Virginia driver who's clogging up the left lane doing 60 mphs.
Reason number four: Cops use the left lane to fly up while pushing 100 mphs to catch the guy doing 80, you don't want to get run over by them. They have a ticket to dispense (by doing 100 mphs to catch the guy doing 80....duh, like going that fast is dangerous.)
THE SPEED LIMIT:
I have a theory that you can do up to 80 on the Parkway before getting a ticket. I've tested my theory. I've driven past cops doing 79 ish and not been pulled over, but anything over 8o is fair game.
Those state troopers aren't doing 65 down the Parkway... I'll tell you that much. (Our governor was caught speeding down the Parkway doing over 90 without a seatbelt on, so I figure that I have a fighting chance if I do about 79. Thanks Corzine!)
EXITING THE ROADWAY:
There are mile markers placed conveniently alongside the roadway, so there's no reason to cut across three lanes of traffic to make the exit that "snuck" up on you.
The markers go in ascending order (that means up) if you're going north, and then descending order (down) if you're going south.
You should try to make it over to the right lane if you plan on exiting, once you're about two miles away. That way, you don't have to cut someone off rudely at the last minute.
It's hard to pay attention (Parkway scenery is boring enough to put a meth addict to sleep) but it's important to stay aware and awake, especially when operating a high-speed Expedition (which is so unnecessary by the way) and especially when Virginia drivers are on the roadway.
TIRE BLOWOUTS:
They happen. If you have one, you'll know it you hear a flappy noise, experience car shaking and if you suddenly experience a loss of steering control. Just don't panic, try to wrench your car over to the right shoulder and pull your vehicle completely off the road. If you have AAA, then call them and wait patiently outside of your car and out of the road.
If you don't know how to change a tire, now's not the time to learn. Just call for a ride, and get someone who knows how to fix it to come back later.
We've all seen that guy, trying to fix his tire as the kids stand by on the road. This is dangerous, and it causes rubbernecking (because people are nosey by nature).
TRUCKS:
Truckers are on the road all day. They know the rules (excepting those Uhaulers or trailer-haulers that are generally morons) and they expect you to follow them. They're doing a job, and they don't need an ignorant driver clogging up the roadways. They stay right, pass left; they are courteous about moving over to let drivers enter; and they communicate with each other using lights or radios.
Trucks are hauling heavy loads all day long on their tires. Tire blowouts are expected, and you don't to be riding alongside a truck when it has one. Those tires are lined with steel, and when they blow off, it can whip over and crack a windshield, or cause damage to your vehicle. So just try to develop a habit of being aware of truck tires, if they start to wobble, or the truck is making a noise, then back off, the tire might be ready to blow. It happens often, and the evidence sits on display over to the roadsides, where you'll see big black chunks of shredded tires (alligators).
Trucks weigh a lot. So they are pulled back by gravity when going uphill (they go slower) and then are propelled faster forward when going downhill (go faster) so just be aware of that fact and try not to slam on your brakes at the bottom of a hill with a semi behind you, their brakes aren't always that good.
When passing a truck, they might flash their lights at you: This means that it's safe for your to get in front of them. Professional drivers usually respect the 'pass left and keep right' rule, and they communicate with you by flashing their lights. It's not a mean gesture, don't be scared, just maintain your speed (don't pass them to slow down) and you can acknowledge their thanks with a short flash of hazard lights.
Another thing that they'll appreciate is help when they're entering the roadway. Trucks can't accelerate so quickly, so they have to enter the roadway gradually. It's easier if you move over to the left lane for a moment to let them enter. At the very least, it's courteous driving, it makes the roadways safer (so that trucks don't have to dangerously cut off stubborn drivers) and they would do it for you.
One final thing about trucks: It's harder to stop a loaded semi than it is to pull your Honda to a stop. If you encounter something that is going to halt traffic, you can caution the drivers behind you by putting on your hazards to warn them of an impending need to stop suddenly.
LITTERING:
Here's a hypothetical. We're waiting in line at Six Flags. You're in front of me smoking a cigarette, and when you're finished, you fling it and it lands on me. I'm going to kick your ass. Obviously, most smokers wouldn't do that because it's rude and it will garner a hostile reaction. So why is it ok to do it when you're on the roadway? The only thing different is that there isn't a vehicle separating the two people.
I don't keep my car clean but I still get angry when the driver in front of me flings a cigarette out of the window and it hits my car. So, I keep a half-empty bottle of soda in my car at all times just for this reason. So if you fling a cigarette out at me, expect to have a nice juicy soda thrown out of my window and aimed at your vehicle. Now we're even ( I'm a Libra, sorry but justice is like our thing). There are others like me out there, so if you are a smoker, please dispose of your stinky butts in a reasonable fashion or you run the risk of encountering vengeful retaliation.
Also, littering is bad umkay? I realize that you don't want to use your ashtray to dispose of your cigarettes because they make your car smell bad, but instead of throwing them out of your window with abandon, why not consider quitting? Smoking is terrible for you. It will kill you, it makes you smell bad, it gives you yellow teeth, and cigarette butts are everywhere. It's terrible.
BACKING UP BECAUSE YOU MISSED AN EXIT:
Ok, if you miss your exit, do not, under any circumstances, bring your car to a stop, and attempt to back up. This is insane. Not only are you putting yourself in danger, but you're putting others at risk.
Because now, people who are trying to exit properly have to watch out for your reversing vehicle, and the people behind them, can't see you, so you're setting up the perfect accident scenario.
Not a good idea.
People are going super fast on the highway, and a stopped or backing up car is a hazard. Take the next exit (it's never more than a few minutes away) and backtrack. Being a little lost is a lot better than being an idiot, so don't embarrass yourself.
THOSE LITTLE AVENUES THAT CONNECT THE NORTHBOUND AND SOUTHBOUND LANES:
For some reason, only cops are supposed to use them, for the same reason that only cops are allowed to speed, run lights, run stop signs and tailgate. They're off limit's so don't use them to execute desperate U-turns or to just go exploring.
TRAFFIC:
Traffic sucks, especially on the Parkway. There are traffic patterns that emerge and they're so predictable and reliable that advertisers have begun to exploit this by commissioning banner-ad-planes to fly above the stopped traffic during the rush hours. They figure they'll give you something else to look at while you're stopped and bored scanning the skies for Christopher-Columbus-shaped clouds, UFO's or meteorites.
So from Monday through Friday (why do we capitalize the days of the week anyway?) you have commuter traffic, from 7-9 a.m. then at lunchtime and again from 4-6 p.m.
During the summer, from Memorial Day to Labor Day, the Bennies come down, clogging the parkway and heading down to the beach on Friday's after work, to leave and re-clog the roadways on Sunday when they go back home.
OUT OF STATE DRIVERS:
As previously mentioned, Virginia drivers are the worse, so refer to the section about them. Florida drivers have a tendency to leave blinkers blinking indefinitely and have a slower response time, however, they generally stay to the right, where they feel safer. Also, they do not perform well in bright sunlight, so be careful of glares or bright light which could severely impair their visual acuity.
New Yorkers are good to follow if you want to go fast, because they speed, weave in and out of traffic and cops favor them because they're out-of-staters. When following a New Yorker, just be careful of litter. They're notorious for throwing garbage out of their vehicle windows randomly because they are so used to living like slobs in their own city, that they forget that not all people are filthy litterers.
RUBBERNECKING:
Here's one that we've all seen before--allow me to set the scene... A red string of brake lights lines the roadway as the vehicles creep along at turtle speed. Silently, you curse the high-rising SUVs that block your vision, "What is the freeeeaking hold up?" you wonder.
Thirty agonizing minutes later, the traffic starts to loosen up. You catch a glimpse of flashing police lights. At this point, you're expecting blood, guts and gore--you waited thirty long minutes in line, there has to be some carnage if the traffic is this bad right? WRONG! It's a flat tire. The cop is there because he's nosey too.
You've just been victim of rubbernecking. Something has happened on the roadside that's attracting attention (attracting attention, like that?) All of the other drivers slow down because they want to see what's going on. There's no avoiding it, try to suppress the insatiable urge to gape shamelessly at the scene and stay safe by paying attention to the brake lights in front of you. Or else, you'll tap a bumper and before you know it, you'll be the object of fixation for all the rubberneckers.
ACCIDENTS:
Accidents happen. If you see an accident happen, and you saw how it happened and who's fault it was, then you're a witness and you pull over. Two reasons for this; to make sure everyone's OK and to offer your phone number in case the insurance companies want to ask you questions.
Insurance fraud is ripe in NJ (which is partially why we have the highest rates in the nation) and if you can help clear up the story then you should. The guilty party usually tries to lie and blame the other person for the accident, and your testimony could clarify who was at fault. Also, you might want to call 911 to report the accident in case both parties are too injured to do so.
If you're just stuck in accident traffic, it's brutal, mostly because of rubbernecking, so just go with the traffic flow, try not to tap the person in front of you when staring shamelessly at the wreck and get past it.
USING YOUR BRIGHT LIGHTS:
There are deer that hang out near the edges of the Parkway in certain areas. Using your bright lights enhances your range of visibility. However, if you are behind another car, using your brights, their visibility is severely impaired. That's because all that bright light, shines in the mirrors and in eyes and makes it difficult to see. So, just remember that you're sharing the road with others and try to be courteous. Use your brights only if there isn't anyone in front of you nearby and just be aware that while they enhance your vision, they hamper that of other drivers.
TOLL BOOTHS:
Toll booths are a terrible idea. Like, who's bright idea was it to put wacky lanes on a super speed highway that force drivers to come to a complete stop and then merge with five lanes again quickly after trying to roll the window back up. And they say driving with cell phones is dangerous. GOSH. Anyway, like it or not, there are tolls on the Parkway. They don't accept VISA (even though everyone else in America does) so bring cash, tokens (does anyone use these?) or buy an EZpass.
For those of you who have EZpass, you can do about 40 mphs through without stopping and it will still register. There is no need to full and complete stop to wait for the message that says EZpass paid. If there's an error, it's your boxes fault and you can appeal that shit!
If you don't have EZpass, then you'll get a ticket if you go through without that magic little box. And you can't dispute the ticket because they've got a picture of your license plate and car. Believe me, I've tried it. The ticket is for $35 plus the cost of the toll (ridiculous right? Like NJ residents don't pay enough in taxes already, we have to pay for access to the fast roads).
Now for those non-EZpass lanes. Here's a secret, you don't have to pay them!!
Tested, tried and true, if you're paying cash, you can just go flying through it the cash-only lane, (it's blue) do a lightening-fast-stuntman-style slam dunk and high tail it outta there. I'm just kidding (or am I?) I've never skipped a toll payment (or have I?) Well that's just ambiguous enough to cover my ass (legally).
If you're going to try skipping out on the toll, don't be afraid. Lots of people do it. Just look both ways before you do it to make sure there are no cops hanging around hunting for toll skirters (exciting right?).
Anyway, if hit and running isn't your style you can pay it if you want to. However, there's still no need to come to a full and complete stop to wait for the "toll paid" message, it's unnecessary. People drop coins all the time, and they can't really prove that you didn't pay (the cash only ones that is, EZpass lanes have cameras).
Horn honking to signal that you dropped coins is fairly standard, so feel free to honk with abandon after going through the lanes, and even if you didn't drop any coins, it's still fun.
THE PARKWAY DOES NOT GO BOTH WAYS:
Well it does but there is a northbound and a southbound side. Each is separated for safety's sake. The parkway is a one-way deal. So, don't enter and go southbound on the northbound side, that's just silly.
The NJ Turnpike Authority has conveniently placed up one-way signs in places thought to be confusing (to morons). So, um yeah. If you can't figure out which way to go while entering the roadway, just use the sun to get your bearings (rises in the east and sets in the west, so north is.. well you can figure it out).
What to do if you see:
A car with a Virginia license plate:
First and foremost, DON'T PANIC. The driver of the car is severely impaired (nobody knows why people from Virginia are the worst drivers in existence, it's believed that it may have something to do with their education system or consistent exposure to FOX news, either way, beware).
They will do five under the speed limit in the left lane next to another slow moving vehicle, which sufficiently blocks both lanes. Invariably, a line of angry drivers piles up behind them, which causes massive tailgating, road rage and desperate attempts from the stuck drivers behind them to swing around.
If you happen to be right behind them, try flashing your lights, sometimes, like deer, they'll freeze and then you can swoop around them on the right hand side. Do not resort to honking, it scares them, which causes swerving. Also, be careful about making eye contact, it takes their attention away from the road and can also cause swerving.
It's really hard not to tailgate when behind such a slow moving vehicle, but for some reason, Virginia drivers' vision can not process images that come from their side-view or rear-view mirrors. So your tailgating is invisible to them, and unsafe as they brake irradically and without notice (especially when low-flying planes appear overhead, they confuse them for UFO's and jam on their brakes to look).
Don't expect them to move over on their own, this will not happen-- you can only hope to pass them by distracting them with shiny objects or flashing lights.
A police car sitting sniper-style on the side of the road:
NEWSFLASH: Cops won't pull you over unless you're doing 80 or above on the parkway. So if you're doing 70, there's no need to slam on your breaks when you come upon a cop hiding in the bushes.
This knee-jerk reaction is dangerous, as all the drivers around you are forced to stamp on their brake pedal, and not everyone's always paying attention to react fast enough (see section about Virginia drivers).
While driving on the parkway, just expect that there are going to be cops hiding once in a while (this is NJ afterall, and our state budget relies upon traffic tickets for revenues) and maintain a comfortable speed-- That way, you don't have to play the screeching brake-game when you see a cop car.
A police officer with a victim pulled over:
Resist the urge to slow down and jam on your breaks, to be nosy. Nothing is that exciting about a routine traffic stop. Plus, the officer is busy! That means that you have at least another ten miles before you come across another cop, so bring it up to 80 and zing on by.
The naked guy that graces the shoulder of the road on the first day of spring:
Try not to veer into the lane next to you as you gape in disbelief. There's no need to call the police, a dozen other people have done it already by now, and the police have trouble finding him, because he's on the move, walking from exit to exit and switching between the northbound and southbound lanes.
He appears every year on the first day of spring. He's waving to you so wave back, enjoy the sight, be sure to tell your friends and say, "Happy spring!"