My new work commute is a 20 minute walk down 18th street in Philadelphia to the skyscrapers on JFK Boulevard.
To assuage my boredom during the long daily walks I first tried reading my book on the Nook app via iPhone. Except that I kept stumbling off curbs, getting honked at while unintentionally jaywalking and face-planting into unexpected poles.
I needed an audio book. Something I could listen to without having to read it. I downloaded an audio book app (Librivox) for my iPhone and checked out the selection of books. The problem is that I've read all the classics, because I go through books like a person possessed.
The only book I can find that I haven't read is "Uncle Tom's Cabin," which I know is about slavery and had something to do with the development of the abolitionist movement.
So I downloaded the book and used my headphones to listen to it on my way into work. I'm actually quite shocked that they're using the N-word a lot and really thankful that I have my headphones in so that nobody else can hear it and judge me for listening to it in public.
I get to my work building and press pause on the book, taking out my headphones. I get a text message. After the text message, the book starts playing again and I'm annoyed because I had already turned it off.
I pressed pause on the story again, catching the elevator to where my work space is.
Now-- I'm brand new in the office, it's my first week here and I'm surrounded by about 7 new coworkers in an open work space. My temporary work area is at a round table in the middle of all this.
I set my phone down on the table face down and unpack my things and begin the work day.
Just before noon, I hear my phone make a text message sound as I'm walking back to the table from a meeting. Then, to my absolute and unimaginable horror, the possessed phone begins auto playing out (on top volume) Uncle Tom's Cabin--complete with N-word references, "Lawdys" and other such phrases completely inappropriate for a corporate office environment.
I'm too far away to get to it quickly enough to stop it, heads are starting to turn to look at it and for half a second I seriously consider just turning around, walking out of the building and abandoning the phone and my laptop and the associated embarrassment forever and just starting a new life somewhere else.
The book is still playing, the narrator's voice switching characters and enacting Mrs. Shelby's maid's voice.
I run as fast as possible to the table and sweep up the phone, desperately fuddling with the buttons as the slow-responding screen dolefully refuses to acknowledge my swipes and presses--all the while still blaring out the story into the office.
I start to sweat, sneaking furtive glances around me at the people staring at my efforts to shut off the phone. Finally, it starts to shut down, but I can't even hear anything over the sound of my own hopeless anxiety.
Everyone's looking at me. I start to feel like I owe them an explanation but my tongue has chosen that exact moment to glue itself tightly to the roof of my mouth and instead of confidently saying, "Pardon my audio-book, I was reading a classic," It comes out in a mumble and I say e-book instead of audio book, requiring further explanation that becomes a string of nonsensical words and even as I'm saying them, I'm telling myself to just shut up already dammit! I abandon eye contact and sink into my chair, hoping they'll just get bored of me and move on-- like rubber neckers rolling past an accident scene, gasping at the damage and reflecting upon their own good fortunes not to have been involved.
I cut myself a break, thinking at least I wasn't reading "50 Shades of Gray" and figuring that at least now they know who the new girl in the office is, even if it isn't the great first impression I wanted to make.